«

»

Dec 03

Contest Entry: Tim Greens

Here’s another~ Tim’s cat has issues… great writer, though

 Here’s a page I found in my empty apartment after I came home the other night – my girlfriend was gone, but the cat came back a few days later… we seem to be getting along just fine.

you really are clueless, aren’t you – sorry for the lack of some of the punctuation, but I can’t support myself, press shift and the question mark at the same time now, can I.  Luckily this program capitalizes certain words for me automatically.  Yes, this is the cat and yes, I do have the intelligence to do or to say anything you do – I just choose not to.  I couldn’t stand it any longer – all your talk about humanity and cruelty to animals and how you are going vegan to save the animals and yet you still eat a half-gallon of ice cream every other night and you wonder why vegetables make you fat.  YOU make you fat.  Period.  You think I’m just a dumb animal, so you can get away with sneaking that ten dollars out of your boyfriend’s wallet right in front of me – you don’t even think twice about picking your nose while sitting on the toilet and singing john lennon songs at the top of your lungs when I am trying to get in a nap before the sun moves past the window far enough that I have to move.  Okay, I get that, that’s the animal in you, and it’s natural, and it makes sense to me.  You have needs and you meet them.  Cool.  If it’s one thing cats know – it’s “COOL”.  YES, I KNOW I JUST USED QUOTES, WHICH TAKES A SHIFT KEY – damn, forgot the caps lock – I CAN do it, it’s just hard to do.  What I don’t get – is lying.  Animals don’t lie – if we want to screw another cat, we do it and make a lot less fuss about it than you did with that guy that smells like banana peels.  You would all be a lot less miserable if you lived your lives with the truth instead of all the time trying to make each other happy by lying to them.  If everyone lived that way – there would be a lot less craziness and murder in the world – not that killing is all bad, but hey, a cats got to eat, right.  You are a hypocrite and I’m so tired of it, I’ve gone against all my instincts and spoken up – now I’ll need to find a new home or you’ll be yapping at me all day, just like you do to tim – you sound like the chihuahua down the hall in 3g – and I hate those little yappy dogs.  You talk about that book you read on Sunday – yet you never follow any of it – but if I were a people – I’d follow it – it’s the only thing you people have ever done I’ve agreed with; love = good, truth = good, hope = good – all the things you say you want, but you don’t even follow your own rules.  Clueless – and yappy and even though tim won’t tell you, yes, you start to stink when you don’t shower more than once every three days, but I guess he likes the smell of fish too.  I hope tim reads this letter before he unties you – he might get a clue and realize he’s better off with just a cat, instead of a girl who is so clueless – at least when he pets me, I have the sense enough to purr and let him know I like it.  You play games and keep him guessing, which is just another sort of lie and I just can’t take it any more.  Goodbye.

meow,

WHISKERS

Ps. That stuff you put on your face makes you look like a raccoon, but you’re not – that’s just another lie – so stop it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>