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Dec 05

Contest Entry: Peg Phifer

Reading your entries was too much fun. Here’s another entry by Peg Phifer. Love it!

ATTENTION ALL CATS WHO RUN A HOUSEHOLD

Are you keeping your human staff up to par? Are you keeping their guilt levels high? I didn’t think so.
Recent reports seem to indicate that you’ve been sleeping on the job. That simply will not do. You’re getting fat and lazy. Come on now, shape up. Complete the following checklist and return it to HQ within the next 24 hours
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1.        When was the last time you positioned yourself so your toe (or tail) got stepped on? (Note: this really works on the guilt complex.)
2.        How much time did you spend grooming in the suede recliner last week?
3.        Were you able to increase your stare time so your human looked away first?
4.        What about that new puppy in the house? Got it totally intimidated yet?
5.        Alternatively, if you like the mutt, have you got him wrapped around your paw?
6.        Is there another cat in the house?
7.        More than one?
8.        Have you decided to get along?
9.        Or have you figured out a way to keep your seniority intact?
10.   How’s your door monitoring technique? Remember the drill: If you’re inside the room, you want out. If you’re outside, you want in. No matter which side of the door you’re on, insist on being on the other. Got it?
11.   What’s your favorite room to practice this technique? Bedroom or bathroom? (A recent poll revealed the bathroom to be the most popular.)
12.   Exercise: Have you been running down the hallway ahead of your human, staying close enough to trip her but not hurt yourself? What about the stairs—if your home has more than one floor.
13.   Hairballs: Are they strategically placed?
14.   Playtime: On a separate sheet of paper, outline your play routine. For example, one of my favorite games is “fetch the paper wad” except I don’t return it to my human, I like to drop it into my water bowl. For one thing, it gets me fresh cool water.
15.   Tail-twitches: How many new ones have you developed? The object here is to keep ‘em guessing what you’re up to.
16.   Kneading and head-nudges: Last report tells me you’ve all got that perfected. Great job.
17.   Purring: Be very sure you keep that motor tuned. Purring is our best weapon. After all the work we do to keep our human staff on the ball, we must ALWAYS award them with a contented purring session at the end of the day.

Or any time you think it’s merited, or even the best tactic to avert disaster.
That’s it, Felines of America. Return this to Cleocatra [at] felinehq [dot] com.

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